Cara

Here's the critter.

So, after 10 weeks of being on the run, Gerbils is once again safely in his habitat. How'd we do this? Starved him until he came out (it took about 2 days). Gabriel nearly cried he was so happy. I'm happy too. In the last 10 weeks, that hamster has become the size of a medium gerbil. He's HUGE. I'm glad to have him back. I like that critter.

Okay, so I failed getting the rotten meat smell from the carpet. I'm so upset with myself for not just taking the friggen cooler out myself. Why did I have to wait for him to do it? Now my apartment smells like dead animals. Out!, Nature's Miracle, and Febreze have all failed to dampen the stench. I guess I'll deal with it when I get back from Houston. Ugh.

Insomnia hit me hard last night. I was up until 3 a.m. But in that time, I managed to finally slay the laundry beastie (save for the actual folding and putting away part), built a trap for Gerbils (the hamster has been free-range for a little over 2 months now), cleaned the oven (it's BLUE?!), cleaned my bathroom (YUCK!), naired my legs (Warning: Nair + plastic bathtub = Slip-n-Slide, and I have a nice bruise on my hip to prove it), stripped the sheets from and re-made my bed, successfully removed the smell of rotting meat from my carpet (Note to self: Sometimes, it is just better to do it yourself than ask and wait), cleaned the kitchen, and worked at my paying job.

Chris and the kids finally arrived in Mississippi around 10:30 last night. They stopped every couple of hours to let the kids play which I think helped break up the trip for them.

I must say, I love my family, but sleeping until you wake up is joyous. I apparently require exactly 5 hours 20 minutes of sleep.

I saw Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room tonight. It's such a sad story of how greed can destroy you from the inside out. There is the brilliant exception of Ken Lay - who will be more than likely spared from the public flogging due to his inextricable entanglement with the family of the current leader of the free world. And poor Ken and Linda Lay - $300 million dollars that they cashed in 3 years ago is "gone. It's just gone." Mmmhmm. Sure it is. I'm absolutely certain you two are living in abject squalor and eating Ramen noodles. Which makes me wonder if they had to let their residence at The Huntingdon go? They owned an entire floor there, you know. Wait, let me grab my box of Kleenex...to wipe the shit off my shoes. Two words, Linda Lay: ACTING CLASSES.

I had no idea (well maybe a vague recollection) that Enron orchestrated the rolling blackouts that devastated California.

Oh, there were already Star Wars fanatics camped on the side of the building with a projector and screen watching the preceding 5 installments. I was amused.

Hey you - you know who you are - get the fuck out of my dreams. I'm tired of seeing your face every time I close my eyes. Shoo! Go. Bye. Buh-bye now.

Watching the movie tonight did do one thing - it made me really excited about this MBA business.

There was a knock on the door late this morning. I, being a good and concientious mother, peered through the peephole before opening the portal and inviting the outside in on my children. There stood a lady holding a lovely bouquet of flowers. "OOOH! He ordered me flowers!" I thought. "Those are some serious brownie points!" I opened the door expecting to hear, "Cara Smith? These were sent to you by your thankful husband because you are the world's most incredible mother." Instead, I hear this: "Do you know the girl who lives in that [pointing to neighbor's door] apartment - Becky?" "Yes." "Could I leave these here for her? She isn't home. I will leave a note on the door telling her they are here." "Uhm, sure. I'd be happy to let these beautiful flowers for some other woman from her adoring and thankful husband sit on my counter and mock me until she returns to collect them among a barrage of 'oh how beautifuls' and 'I can't believe he's so thoughtful...'. Not a problem. Have a great day." I didn't really say that last part, but trust me, that was what went through my head.

It's at least slightly amusing now.

Counseling did not go well today. Tim the Sorcerer focused way too much on me today and my apparent unhealthy way of controlling my anger. Personally, I thought refraining from knocking the shit out of the person in front of you would be construed as healthy. As it turns out, I'm wrong. Who knew? Chris provoked me during a "role play" (which I LOATHE - there was a reason I didn't LARP, people) and I started in, then stopped mid sentence, took a breath, made a little arrrgh! noise and calmed straight down. See? Self-control and restrained - GOOD! No, Cara. Bad, bad, bad, Cara. WTF? So Tim the Sorcerer asks me what happened to my anger and I said, "I put it back in its box so it couldn't get out of control." He started in on the fact that it was good to let anger out, it was a safe environment there, etc etc etc. Well, that's all well and good, but I have 30 years of suppression to overcome. Not gonna happen in 45 minutes, buckoo. He asked me if the anger was in the room and I had some snide thought that I didn't relay. Then asked me what it looked like? Was it big? Small? Hiding? On top of me? Long story short, turns out that I jumped on the all-too-used "it's my parents' fault" bandwagon and protested loudly about that. I flat-out told T-t-S that I thought that was bullshit. Blaming someone else for your crap negates your responsibility for it. Blame is immature. Nobody can MAKE you feel anything. That is a choice you make. They provide the stimulus, you create the feeling. So he pressed the issue and I relented to his game. He helped me reframe 'blame' as an attempt to understand how my parents' choices molded me into the person I am today. He also got me to realize that I'm rather pissy about being stoic - that I'm pissy that I believe it was required of me, it was an unspoken rule my dad had for me. You must, above all else, control yourself. T-t-S asked me after I told him that my dad's restraint and stoicism was something I admired what it got my dad - suppressing his emotions all those years. "It got him an 8-vessel bypass, leukemia, and dead."

So I'm afraid of it doing the same thing to me. On the flipside, I am afraid of letting out my emotions, losing control of them, and ending up like my lunatic mother. Whatever.

I have this incessant need to always better myself. Maya Angelou said once, "You do what you know, and when you know better, you do better." I took this to heart. So when I notice something about myself that should be tweaked, I set out to do it. I have implemented boundaries recently. I have learned to say no. I have tried to be more mindful of other people's attitudes and situations. I have to say that so far, it hasn't gotten me anywhere but a heap of shit, but I'm sure it'll all work out. Human nature is such a suck-ass thing. Why does it have to be so complicated?

There is little that sucks worse than a misunderstanding that causes strife. I'm sorry we've gotten to this place. =(

....I might very well be granted the Shittiest Mom of the Year award. Why? Because currently, my daughter is in the back room, screaming for me, banging on the closed door. Two weeks after trying to get her to go to sleep on her own and not being able to leave the room, things still SUCK. Tonight, she screamed like she was being stabbed for 25 minutes - and I was still in the room. After 20 minutes on the bed screaming, she decided to climb over onto the king-size bed. I put her back in hers. More hysterics. Finally, after 25 minutes of her just sitting there throwing a Texas-size fit, I decided to get up, walk out, and close the door. I figure I will go back in there in 10 minutes and put her back in her bed, then in 20-30 minutes, do the same.

I feel like a horrible mom, but nothing was working to get her to go to sleep sooner than 20 minutes into it and with us sitting in the room. This is not acceptable behavior. (tm SuperNanny).

So, yea, bring on that fuckin' award. I feel rather deserving of it currently.

Today is the one-month anniversary of me working out 3 times a week.  So far, I've not missed a 3-time week.  Yay me.  I've yet to see the scales move in the correct direction and nothing is falling off, so I'm kinda disheartened, but I know it'll pay off.  Of course, it would help immensely if I didn't throw down half a bag of peanut butter lover's reese's cups.  Whooops.

Today was a busy day.  This morning, we braved the cold, rainy weather to head to Georgetown so the boys could participate in a fishing derby.  When we left, it was raining and 47 degrees.  We caught nothing in the 3 hours we were out there, but the boys had fun.  Chris managed to catch an entire tree.  We were impressed.

Then we headed down to Eeyore's birthday party.  I tried calling divine_cow to see where they were camped out, but no answer.  She called earlier and I didn't hear my phone ring.  Dammit.  I hunted for her Superyard XT while we were there but alas, no see.  The Drum Circle was so cool. 

I'm having issues with my phone.  peculiar_notion called me yesterday.  I had my cell on me ALL day - but I didn't hear it ring.  Not pleased.  I'm sorry, Kit and Hayley!

Went down to Bouldin Creek Coffeehouse to work last night.  Second time I've done that.  It was nice. 

I have to say that I've stuck Chris with the kids at hectic times in the last week.  He's fed them dinner every night this week.  I don't appreciate him enough when he does those things.  Of course, I am not appreciated when I do them ALL the time, so I guess I overlook one week.  I shouldn't.  Parable of the laborers and all. 

I love the mild burn I have going on after a good workout.  Tom is on my case to sleep as I'm managing about 4-1/2 hours a night.  No wonder I'm so flippin' exhausted.

I talked to my adoptive Dad today.  I haven't seen him in almost 2 years, so it was soooooo nice to see him.  I talked to him about going to medical school and that I'm having a hard time deciding which route to go - paramedic training or MBA.  He's a very wise man and played devil's advocate well enough to lead me to a decision.  I am going to pursue my MBA.  Being a paramedic does seem like the most logical thing to do because it will give me real-world medical experience.  However, I have to see what will work with the lifestyle I have NOW and my ass sitting in classes for 30 hours a week isn't it.  With my MBA, I can take most of my classes online, still hold my job, and not have to worry about where my kids will go.  Having all three of them at home this summer, doing a full-time job, preparing to take my GMAT, doing CARES stuff, maintaining my 'me time,' and working on keeping everything together.  If for some reason, medical school doesn't work out, I will have my MBA in healthcare management and can still work in the medical field and make a decent wage. 

Have I mentioned lately how blessed I feel to have such wonderful kids, a great best friend in Chris, and fantastic, strong, beautiful female friends the likes of which I have never known?  If not, I should. 

I think I'm going to go bake my kids some cookies.